Wednesday, December 07, 2005




What isn't it good for?

War on drugs
War on terror
War on Christmas

We love tossing that word around, don't we?

The first two certainly aren't wars in the sense that they might eventually lead to a clear winner and loser. Considering both have been around much longer than this country it's a major symptom of national arrogance to think we can make them go away. I'm not suggesting that fighting these problems is a mistake - we may just want to take a different approach.

And then there's that third one. Since we're
apparently not any safer, and that actual war - you know, the one we went into because we have ADD - isn't going so well either, we've decided to insinuate a war apparently being waged by that Eats, Shoots and Leaves woman. Who knew semantics could draw such ire?

(Easter, by the way, is safe. Nevermind the positively bizarre tradition of hunting for rabbit eggs - as long as we continue to call it Easter, no one cares if you're sacrificing a goat.)

I'm obviously a terrible Christian. I should be at-arms, ready to defend our God-given right to completely ignore him by following the great Biblical traditions of hanging fire-hazards on firs, drinking custard juice and spending ourselves silly. I'm being attacked. I should feel threatened.

Just don't.

I'm such a sissy. Who passes up on a chance for war?

There's the holiday we're missing. I guess we have Memorial Day and Veteran's Day, but those just end up being such a downer. And Independence Day is really just loosely about the one war - I think it's actually being renamed Will Smith Day, but that's another war to be waged.

We need a War Day. We need to have a day when we can march a bunch of tanks and nuclear warheads up Pennsylvania Avenue, USSR style. I know people can get behind that. If you dress it up well enough, even the pinko commie liberals will swoon over it. Heck, California - that black sheep of the blue field - elected
Commando.

I think I got some cynicism on the carpet. I need to go clean it up.


The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing.

- The Magnetic Fields, "The Book of Love"


Posted by Joel at 12/07/2005 11:21:00 PM